Spoiler: Ask better questions
A common question most leaders ask themselves is: What can I do to better support my people?
A better question for leaders to ask themselves is: Who is the leader each of my people needs me to be to bring their best?
For anyone responsible for leading others, one of the biggest challenges is figuring out how to bring out the best in each of your people. Sadly, there is no quick-fix recipe you can follow. Each person is unique, bringing a different personality, style, mood, experience, identity, and skillset. Anyone who has kids knows this fact all too well. What works well for one of them rarely works just as well for the others. So, what to do?
Caring For vs Caretaking
Most leaders care deeply about their people and want to do a good job supporting them, but they often care too much and end up “caretaking” vs “caring for.” It is important to care for your people, doing everything you can to support them in bringing their fullest contribution, but when this support strays into protecting them from discomfort or doing things for them, you have entered the realm of caretaking. This response is natural, and very human, but it is also unhelpful.
Think about it, what message does it send to someone you supervise if they see you protecting them or doing some of their work for them? We think that it lets them know that you care, have their back, and are there to ensure their success, and that is partially true. What we do not realize is that it also sends the message, “I am not sure you can handle this on your own, so I am going to do it for you.”
The Importance of Allowing Struggle
If your job is to help your people grow and give their fullest contribution, it is necessary for them to struggle, to make mistakes, and to stumble through the confusing process of figuring out what they have to give and how to give it well. When you review your past to find your greatest moments of growth and development, odds are what you will find is exactly this—moments of struggle, lots of mistakes, and figuring things out on your own, sometimes with the support of a caring mentor or Leader.
In my experience, the biggest barrier to doing this well is us. We do not want to feel the pain and discomfort that comes from watching our people struggle so we intervene and tell ourselves we are helping them when what we are really doing is protecting ourselves. The problem is, this makes it about us, and not about what is best for them.
Supporting Growth and Development
It is our job as Leaders, not to protect our people, but to stand alongside them as they go through their own process. Leaders who do this well provide their people with challenges that push them beyond what they thought they were capable of, help them clarify their contribution and then find ways to give more of it, and allow them to make mistakes to build their capacity for “safe” risk-taking and growth.
So, I bet you are asking, “How do I make this change in my Leadership? What can I do that will help me care for my people instead of caretake?” Answering these questions requires a mindset shift and asks us to look at the root assumptions we have about how a good Leader supports their people.
Asking the Right Questions
In most Western business contexts, we are taught to care for our people, support them to do their best, and be the “model” example for them. This naturally leads us to ask the question, “What can I do better to support my people?” But that is the wrong question. In fact, it is a bad question. Instead, try asking yourself the question: “Who is the leader each of my people needs me to be to bring their best?”
This second question asks you to consider each of your people as individuals. To answer it well, you will need to pay close attention to what makes them thrive, noticing what they are doing well, where they have untapped potential, and what their weaknesses are. Most importantly, you will need to be deeply curious, asking questions and seeking to understand what support they feel would be most helpful from you.
Practice, Practice, Practice
As you practice asking yourself this question, you will notice your mindset slowly shifts. Over time, you will find that your effectiveness as a Leader increases, that your people are increasingly capable and proud of what they are accomplishing, that they are growing in surprising ways, and that there is more fulfillment and joy in their (and your) work.
Leadership is about caring for, not caretaking. It is about allowing struggle and supporting growth and development. Like any new skill, it takes time and consistent practice to become this type of Leader. Be patient with yourself and stick to it and I promise that you and your Team will reap the rewards of a deeply connected, challenging, and caring partnership in service of mutual growth and meaningful contribution.
If you have questions or run into any challenges along the way, reach out to us at Conversant. This is one of the many skills we help Leaders (and their Teams) develop in organizations around the world.
Exercises for Developing Related Leadership Skills
Learning from the Best
Think of the best leader you ever had:
- What was it that made them so good?
- What habits and behaviors did they exhibit that you most appreciated?
- How did they make you feel? What was it they did that made you feel that way?
- How did they challenge you?
Do an inventory of your Leadership practices. How would one of your direct reports answer these questions about you?
Practice incorporating more of these habits into your leadership.
Bonus: If possible, contact that person and ask them about their approach to leadership, what they pay attention to, and what they have learned. Use this as an opportunity to share with them the impact they have had on you, too. We rarely get this type of positive feedback and I guarantee it will be incredibly meaningful for them.
Self-Reflection: The Tendency to Over-Protect
I have done a lot of personal reflection on my tendencies to over-protect and the changes those reflections have caused in my leadership have made a profound difference in how I show up for those around me. It is also very confronting.
I highly recommend anyone who has a similar habit to do some self-reflection as well. It can be enlightening, powerful, and challenging. Below are some questions to get you started:
Set a timer for 15 minutes and journal about where and how you over-protect your people.
- When do you intervene to protect? What are your reasons? Are they in the best interest of the person you are protecting?
- When do you do things for your people instead of letting them struggle?
- Where are you providing opportunities for your people to stretch and grow? Could they be capable of more than you think?
- How connected are you to each person’s goals and aspirations in their work?
- How are you helping and hindering their development?
